with all thine heart

  • Apr 13, 2009

I’ve been blind.

Today I taught Sunday School. And while I was preparing for it this week I began listing the divine attributes of Jesus Christ:

omniscient– all knowing
omnipotent– all powerful
just
merciful
good

It’s a familiar list, and you could certainly add to it, but as I wrote them down I realized that while I believe this is the nature of God; I hadn’t taken this knowledge into my heart.

Even as a little girl, I was full of faith. Always eager, ready to believe, happy to follow every guideline and bit of instruction.
But somewhere– in one of those foggy childbearing years– I lost my trust in God. I still led scripture group and taught Sunday School and wrote articles and instructed my children on the goodness of God- because I had complete faith that He lives- but the ugliness of life, the uncertainty and inequity of the world led me to question if God truly knew what he was doing.
Why do families have to starve while others struggle with obesity? Why can’t angels protect every child from pedophiles? Why do young fathers die of cancer and little sisters lose their legs in car accidents?
I know about miracles. I’ve seen them. But divine intervention in some cases only led me to wonder why they didn’t occur more often. And then, eight years ago, I found a question in my own life that formed a crack in my faith. It haunted me. Every few months the uncertainty returned and brought with it a bitterness that I despised in myself. I thought I’d conquered it, I thought I’d beat it back and then I looked down and realized that the tiny fissure had become a web of fractures– my faith was fragile, ready to shatter.
But as I surveyed my list and read the scriptures that accompanied each attribute, I had an intense and profound witness that these were more that words– this is a description of the God I worship. He is all-knowing, all-powerful, just, merciful and good. He IS aware of the sadness and sickness in the world and He has a plan– not just for the entire planet, or for the starving nations, but for the people I love and for you and for me.
Mercifully the jagged edges in my heart were healed and I knew, knew, that “things will work out. Things will work out.”
So on this Easter Sunday, I feel peace. My question is still unanswered, but I know that God is aware of me and has the power to enact change if it be His will. I am finally ready to follow the counsel: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
God knows what he is doing, He truly does.
April 14, 2009

RELATED POSTS

10 Comments

  1. Reply

    Blue

    April 13, 2009

    Thank you for sharing this Michelle. You have a beautiful soul.

  2. Reply

    Ken

    April 13, 2009

    Dear Michelle,
    I trust Him too! Nephi wrote “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” 1 Nephi 11:17

    We watched Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s marvelous “Easter Message” again last night. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have sacrificed for each one of us during the infinite and eternal Atonement proving their love for us. I love Them!

    I love you too!
    Dad

  3. Reply

    Linn

    April 13, 2009

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts Michelle. They are just what I needed to hear this morning. Our God truly is great.

  4. Reply

    martha corinna

    April 13, 2009

    Your words are so honest and beautiful.

    There is trust that I hold back. I give Him a great portion, but there are areas where I am scared to let go. But you are right. Not trusting in a few areas is crippling to my strengths and it is a heavy weight.

    Thank you Michelle.

  5. Reply

    Jeanette

    April 13, 2009

    Thank you! You are so honest and open, I think that we all hold a bit of ourselves back in fear. Fear of what? Who knows exactly, I guess that’s why we are all here. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful testimony!

  6. Reply

    Denise

    April 13, 2009

    Once, as a young adult, I attended a fireside where the speaker made an analogy that I have thought about many times. She said, “A testimony is like a library. You add to it a book at a time. But sometimes, you may have trouble with a book. If so, set aside. Don’t burn down your whole library because you are troubled by a single book.”

    I think it’s admirable that you did not make the mistake of burning down your whole library.

  7. Reply

    Christie

    April 13, 2009

    Beautiful and timely. Just what I needed today. Thanks, friend.

  8. Reply

    wendy

    April 13, 2009

    Thank you for writing this, Michelle . . . for being so honest. I’ve had similar thoughts, similar lack of trust. Some questions have been answered, some peace has been given in place of answers, and I’m learning to let go bit by bit.

  9. Reply

    Travelin'Oma

    April 16, 2009

    Your words struck a chord for me. I don’t ever doubt His existence. I doubt my place in the grand scheme of things. I love the little, specific answers to prayers that remind me that even I am important to Him.

  10. Reply

    Linkous

    April 16, 2009

    I know right at the end of waiting the 8 years to get Ryn (in the middle of the last in vitro process) I felt those same feelings. I knew He could give us a miracle whenever He wanted. I knew He had promised that I would have children–in the next life if not in this one. But on this one day, I just couldn’t make my faith stretch far enough to have patience. I wanted to know when and why. I cried the entire day. Then I read a scripture in Numbers 14:11 that humbled me to the core. “How long will it be ere [you] believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among [you]?” How could I doubt after all the answers I had already received? When would I finally trust Him completely? I decided to start that day and even though I still have my ‘people of Israel’ moments, I KNOW He knows and loves me (and every one of His children) perfectly. I know that He will fulfill ALL His promises. I KNOW that when we can see the whole picture, we will fall down at His feet and worship and thank Him for His wisdom, justice, mercy and love.

LEAVE A COMMENT