You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

We live in a society of broken and struggling families, yet most don’t know how to talk to someone who has been through a divorce, abandonment or abuse by a parent and/or estrangement from a family member. While excruciating in their own right, the pain from these experiences is often escalated by well-meaning friends and family.

I shudder to think of things I may have said in the past– I remember hearing of people who couldn’t be in the same room as a family member and judging them harshly. I remember thinking, “Buck up. Grow up.” That was before I spent a year of my life sobbing on the floor in agony. 

If you read nothing else, remember this: extend love; refrain from judgment.

While increasingly common, this sort of pain isn’t universal to human experience. Death, illness, pain– everyone will taste those bitter pills. But when a spouse or a parent who has made sacred promises to love and protect says, “I don’t care if I ever see you again.” the very foundations of your self-worth shake and often crumble.

When families shatter, extended family and friends often try to intercede. Their help can be invaluable, but it can also increase the pain. A guide to help, not harm:

Don’t even talk about taking sides. People often open a conversation with, “I don’t want to take sides.” When a family is destroyed, there isn’t a side to take. Think of it as a traffic accident: when people are broken and bleeding, it doesn’t really matter who ran the traffic light– simply extend a healing hand to all.

You don’t know what you don’t know. Don’t make assumptions. If you listen to the sound bite version of what happened to my family you will know less than nothing. I can count on one hand (with a thumb left over) the people who actually know each detail. Don’t judge, don’t assume. Human relations are complex.

Offer kindness to those who are broken. The very best words to say: “I’m so sorry you are hurting.” This doesn’t imply you are ‘taking sides,’ simply extending love. This action would offer healing in two ways: 1. the person hurting would feel less isolated. 2. the anger toward the person harming them would be alleviated.

I apologize for talking in circles. Let me offer an illustration from my friend’s family: The father had an affair and divorced the mother. All the children were upset with the father and decline to attend his second wedding. The father’s side of the family supported him in his new marriage, attended the celebrations and now include him and his new wife in family gatherings. The father’s relations feel like they are setting an “example” by supporting him and ostracizing his children until they accept the new marriage. This tactic only causes more harm. If extended family members (while still supporting the new marriage) simply put an arm around the hurting children they would 1. help the child feel less alone and 2. ease a portion of the anger toward their father.

Avoid trite phrases. Anyone in the crucible of pain has heard every cliche. Trust me.

Your experience doesn’t translate into mine. When offering advice, we often want to relate problems to our own experiences. Our history, our personalities, unique circumstances, all contribute to the way experiences affect us. What is easy for you, might not be easy for me and vice versa. Strangely (and I don’t understand why) we usually seek to minimize other’s pain. Even my friends who have lost a child say people try to assure them “it’s not that bad.”

Don’t make assumptions about anyone’s spiritual state. Again, you don’t know what you don’t know. Ask questions. Listen. But don’t automatically assume estrangement means a person is full of hate. A person can forgive but also choose not to be around a person who will continue to hurt them. Don’t send articles in the mail, or offer up spiritual or personal advice unless you are intimately acquainted with the circumstances.

Statistics don’t matter. No one’s pain is soothed by “this happens all the time.” People die all the time too. Commonality doesn’t make it easier.

Don’t offer advice or chastisement. A person going through extreme emotional stress has gathered their own advisers and counselors. A random relative or acquaintance who knows nothing of the situation will cause nothing but harm when offering the brusque, “You just need to learn to love.”

Talk about other subjects. Look beyond the wounds to the whole person. Chances are they’d love to tell you about something else than the person who hurt them. Let them heal.