When am I going to grow up?

Yesterday was a harrowing day. The kids had one event after another all day and my store was crazy busy. Not crazy busy with orders but busy with the usual little questions and problems and 3 incredibly unreasonable customers. I normally feel like 99% of the world is basically decent and 1% stink, but last night I felt like the reverse percentages were more accurate.

Right before bedtime(10:30 p.m. because we went to Stefan’s very cool play and had cake and ice cream afterwards) I read yet another nasty email from a lady who blames me for the war, global warming and most especially the fact that she can’t find the package that was delivered to her doorstep last Saturday(I felt like George Bush).

Seething from her injustice, I let all the ordinary bedtime stuff get to me, “I can’t find my jammies.” “Where’s my book?” “He kicked me!” I ended up yelling, swearing, slamming doors and going downstairs w/o kissing anyone goodnight.

Erik came down a bit later and gave me the look that needs no words. I feel so ashamed. Really, what is wrong with me? Problems will come and go but my kids deserve to be treated with kindness. Why am I yelling at them when the source of the problem is half a continent away?

Quite pathetically, I cried myself into a fitful sleep. But not over the dishonest strangers– I’m going to chalk those up to theft and move on– I cried for that fact that when the going gets tough, when the stress piles on, I fall apart. I love my kids; I love my husband; my heart aches when I hurt them.

In the middle of the night, Miss Mary slipped into our bedroom. As she climbed into bed with me she said, “I’m sorry. I still love you.” And finally, I slept soundly.

March 12, 2008
March 15, 2008



  1. Melinda Curtis

    March 13, 2008

    I can relate. I cried while reading this post.

  2. Katie

    March 13, 2008

    Thanks you for this post. I felt the same way this morning- I felt like the most awful mother. I am glad that sometimes I am not alone.

  3. J

    March 13, 2008

    i have those days. you just have to roll with it. my motto during such times is:

    “Chocolate. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.”


  4. StubbyDog

    March 14, 2008

    We are not perfect. Not a one of us. I don’t have nearly the chaotic household that you run and don’t own a frustrating online store, and I still lose my temper and do wonderfully childish things like throw toothbrushes from time to time.

    Honestly I think it’s a marvelous opportunity to show our children that it’s not being perfect that counts…it’s how you deal with life’s imperfections. When I get unnecessarily angry or act out, I take a few deep breaths, count to three, and then go apologize to my child. I explain why I got upset, but also that I was wrong to react that way, and ask if she’ll forgive me and give me a hug. And it is remarkably satisfying to see her mirror that behavior on her own. Occasionally. She is, after all, only three and that definitely gets the better of her more often than not. LOL

    Hugs mama.

  5. Redhoodoos

    March 14, 2008

    All we can do is try. Thanks for sharing the human side of being a mom that we all feel.

  6. Jan Russell

    March 15, 2008

    Yeah, around here Jonathan wears the pants and I wear the cranky pants. I hate being so easily affected by things, and letting them control my mood/attitude. I can totally relate to that frustrated with yourself feeling. Hugs. You are a great mom who had a bad day – it happens.

Comments are closed.