I have not been a good mommy today. I’m not being a good mommy right now. The house is trashed, Hans and Xander are standing around with their shirts off playing Connect 4 (I’ll never understand the thrill of going shirtless) and I’m ignoring Gabe and Mary’s yelling upstairs.
At church today Gabriel would not leave my side. I sat with him through 20 minutes of Primary then drug him to my Sunday School class and then to Relief Society. NO matter what bribes I offered or tales of all the fun his friends were having in Primary he reamained attached to my hip. I don’t mind. Gabriel is my little love and soon enough he’ll have no interest in sitting with me.
Halfway through Relief Society we left to see Ben set apart as the new Teacher’s Quorum President. My two older boys don’t have friends at church and something in one of the prayers got me crying, not the “I’m so happy and touched by the Spirit” crying but the “I’m so incredibly sad I want to bawl crying.” I hid my tears in Gabriel’s hair and wiped them on his sleeve– the first chance I got I pretended Gabriel needed the bathroom and raced out of there. We did go to the bathroom where I sat and thoroughly sobbed simply for the sorrow of being a mommy, of watching people treat my children unkindly, of knowing that most of their problems are entirely my fault.
Gabriel still insisted on walking home from church(every Sunday Gabriel and I walk home and he doesn’t like anyone else to come along) and he checked my face every few minutes. “No more crying, mommy!”
I did well enough until I took Ben and Mary out for a photo shoot. I had envisioned a lovely, peaceful photo of the two of them walking down a snowy lane. Mary wouldn’t be calm for a single second so all my photos turned into twirling, whirling action shots. I don’t really have the skills to keep up with that kind of movement so I got really frustrated and yelled at her. she began to cry and the photoshoot was over. Ben chided me, “Mom, you have to be nicer. She’s just a little girl.” Um, yeah. I felt about 1 inch tall and cried all the way home and for the next hour.
Mary spilled milk on her gorgeous dress as soon as we got home and in my grief I threw it in the sink to soak along with her bright pink tights. Yes, the dress is ruined.
Wait, it gets better! Erik sat us down for scripture study just a 1/2 hour ago. You’d think I would be thoroughly humbled by all my misbehavior by now. Hans and Gabriel fought for a spot next to me. Finally I got fed up and sharply elbowed Hans out of the way. Yes, I elbowed my son while we were studying the word of God. Pathetic. I cried some more. Strangely, Hans wasn’t even mad at me and spent the rest of scripture study glaring at Gabriel (who maintained the coveted spot next to mean old mom).